First blog after the rebrand and tt has been presented to me to return to my post as Davis put it. And as I wind down with my prayer and reflection, one of the lessons I have learned, while praying and reflecting is, you don’t make major life decisions in the middle of the night. I mean night is the time where they say all the bad things in life happen. Freddy came to you in your dreams; vampires and werewolves walk the earth; The Candy Man and the Boogieman were gonna get you; AND isn’t that when BEDBUGS Bite. I mean come on! It probably isn’t the time to make a life changing decision cause you could not possibly wake up or make the wrong decision. What’s that saying, “what is done in the dark will always come to light?” So maybe there is some validity to waiting until the light of day to make major decision; no one is hired at night usually unless they are a lady or man of the night or a stripper. #imjustsayin
But any whoo, I digress as always, let’s get back to the topic at hand…
Last night I was thinking about all the reasons why I left. What needs to be different in order for this to work. It made me think about all the dysfunction that I am surrounded by most days. Not only the dysfunction in my working relationship with Davis but in my life as a whole. I thought about all the life changes that I have made, most good, some that are supposed to be for the better (I have yet to experience this “for the better”) and I have survived. A year from now all this angst, hurt and pain will be a distant memory and I will be (at least I am wishing, hoping, thinking, planning and praying) a much more secure and better person for it. But the problem here in the moment is that I am so terribly sad at so many things that my ability to separate has become difficult. I have this decision here in front of me to make and I don’t know what the answer is. I get the feeling that once things are said and discussed that deep in my heart that I won’t wanna return to my post because its gonna turn into something (like before ) that I want no part in anymore.
I will be honest, like most people you want the approval of EVERY ONE around you. You want your friends to say hey that person has it together, great job, great relationship, good credit, everything. But what they DID NOT teach you on the Facts of Life that you can’t solve those big problems in at 22 minutes. Life is MESSY and full of shit that you have to wade through and you can get stuck. And sometimes when you get stuck the people around you wanna rush you through and that is when you run into pitfalls and pits stops where you get even more stuck and end up either losing EVERYTHING and or EVERYONE. I don’t wanna end up like that. I want to be heard and supported and NOT just by my therapist. I wanna know that when I call you will listen, make an assessment and offer HELPFUL advice. We can all be painfully aware of what our friends want for us and they can push too hard sometimes and then push us away in the process. And if there is anything I want my friends who read this to know is that I hear you loud and clear, but you gotta stop PUSHING so much and give me time.
One of the new parallels that I will be attempting to make is that how my failed previous relationships are related to the concept of assisting. How do we assist those who we love? How do we enable for a better word family, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, our husband and wives and partners through out their life. How have I assisted people in my life to become something that they should have never. And not just my failed relationship. How do any of my relationships affect my ability to be effective in everyday life for myself, my family, and my job.
I have spent so many years feeling like I have not had autonomy. I have had decision made for me and left other people knowingly make decision for me. Let the bad advice of a friend make a decision for me because I wasn’t strong enough to make it for myself and keeping my mouth shut when I should have kept it open. Kept my TRUTH hidden and gave my souls code no voice. Denied myself the right to be happy to the point where I thought I couldn’t dig myself out. And I can no longer do that and assist others in helping their dreams and aspirations come true or on the other end enabling someone to not reach their full potential because they want me to do all the work.
I will admit that at times I can be loud and out spoken. I share to much, hell I have a blog. But what those outlets provide me with is a way to maintain MY AUTONOMY. I may not always handle something they way you might handle it. Hell it took me 7 years to figure out that my idiot boyfriend was who the fuck he was/is. I have held on to people I shouldn’t have and made excuses for them. I have allowed people to run my life. And the MOMENT I took control there wasn’t anything anyone could do about it. You wanna have an opinion GREAT. You wanna think I am STUPID, go right ahead. But what I will NOT allow to happen anymore is for MYSELF to shut down and be mad and fester, while I run away and hide, because that doesn’t solve anything.
Breaking free from the baggage was a conscious choice that I made for myself. Taking the time for myself and allowing myself to heal in the way I see fit could possible not only help myself heal, but could help someone who is in a similar situation. I can’t do it YOUR way anymore. If I had a nickel for every time someone would say to me, well “I just be happy when you don’t wanna talk about it anymore” or “you know when I will be proud of you…” I wouldn’t need to work again. Here is the thing, you can’t put a time constraint on someone needing to talk about something, because the FACT that they are willing to talk about it with you means that they trust you with how they feel and what they are feeling because feelings are scary no matter what they are, especially if you don’t understand them. I need people to understand that I am ALWAYS going to talk about certain subjects but the hope is that the longer I live the less I will need to talk about these things. My relationships are very important to me and the WHOLE point of this blog in the first place was for me to showcase my relationship with Davis and to write about something that was important to me. Because here is the fact of the matter, I am not YOU and you aren’t ME. So you can’t expect me to deal with it the way you would. All you can ask of ME is to open and receptive (when I ask for it) to the advice and wisdom that you may have.
Working with Davis has taught me more patient, because even when you THINK you may be right about something (and us WOMAN know we are ALWAYS RIGHT) you can’t lead someone else to it without them getting to it when they can. It is about meeting somewhere where they are at not where you want them to be. Your design for life may not always be someone else’s. And the fact that some one is from Wisconsin does mean they like the Green Bay Packers (oh wait that’s another issue all together) but seriously. Being a life coach, or assisting someone with their life doesn’t mean you can control it (YES DAVIS I said that) because fact is people are gonna do what THEY want to do and they may come to that place where you wanted them to be, but they had to FIGURE IT OUT for themselves.
So here is my advice to folks in the next coming months;
1. Pacey will show up here, probably just as much as Davis may or may not (that is still to be determined)
2. If you can’t handle it then stop reading, it won’t hurt my feelings.
3. This space will be funny, enlightening, deep, and will always leave you with a smile (even when it’s sad)
4. I will swear (A LOT)
5. Just be respectful, because respecting others means you respect yourself.
6. If you want a great reference about people, how to deal with people, how to be successful within so many different areas of dealing and assisting then here is where you want to be.
If we can all remember those things, I think this will be just fine. I want to get to that place where EVERYONE thinks I should be, but I have to get there on my own, I can’t get there any faster that I am supposed to. So as my mom says if you can’t take the HEAT then get out of the KITCHEN. Because its gonna be a billon degrees up in here. I will get through it when I get through it but I won’t bury these feelings like I did the last. Your feelings for a person can supersede how they treated you, because the mind has a way of protecting you by nature only allowing you to remember the really great things to protect your heart. I am starting to remember the bad, but its my inquisitive mind that needs to understand and assign a reason to it. And that is with everything I do in my life. WHY is it this way and taking the time to understand the WHY. Its my process.
So welcome to a place where we are honest, open, funny and up front. Where we are going to learn how to manage our lives so that we can manage the lives of others and keep our livelihood safe. The Distant Assistant isn’t just about being a personal assistant, its about assisting (insert whatever here) and making it better, bold and beautiful. Supporting yourself and others. Stepping back and observing all to be able to understand the finite. To be the very best.
The Distant Assistant 